When I was in my early 20s, the apex of my people-pleasing years, I dated an aspiring poet.
He didn’t want to get a job, he said, because it interfered with his creative process. He lived happily at home with his parents; I paid for everything else.
As my debt increased, I continued to be his human A.T.M. because I was afraid that if I stopped, he would break up with me.
When I finally informed him the party was over, he vanished, leaving me with a bruised ego and bad credit.
People pleasing, the tendency to prioritize other people’s wants and needs at the expense of your own, happens for a range of reasons, said Ilene Cohen, a therapist and author of “When It’s Never About You.”
Some of us formed the habit as children and carried it into adulthood, she said, while others use it to deal with social inadequacy or anxiety, or a fear of conflict.
But people pleasing can also feel good — at least at first, Dr. Cohen added. When you meet other people’s needs, “you’re the responsible one,” she said. “You’re the one that people come to.”
Over time, though, the habit “breeds resentment or it builds up your walls,” said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of “Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace.”
If you’re used to putting other people first, it can be nerve-racking to stand up for yourself. And once you start doing it, others might have some objections, Dr. Cohen said. So I explored the fears that drive people-pleasing behavior with experts — and how to work through them.
If you fear you’ll get pushback …
The assertive new you might take people by surprise — and if they’ve long heard “yes,” they may keep hounding you when they hear “no,” said Jefferson Fisher, author of the upcoming book “The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.”
Even if there’s a little pushback, stay consistent. People can dislike your boundaries at first but also learn to respect them, Tawwab said.
Fisher suggested a few strategies to head off resistance: Start by telling others that you’re going to disappoint them. You can try saying, “This is going to disappoint you — I can’t make it tonight,” Fisher said.
Saying this out loud helps you to assume control of your fear of letting the person down, he said.
Or you can frame boundaries as promises you’re making to yourself. When you say something like, “I promised myself that I’m not going to overcommit this week,” Fisher said, people may not understand your reasons, but they will tend to respect your decision.
You can also role-play saying “no” with someone you trust, added Benjamin Bernstein, a clinical psychologist at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Conn. (In his case, he said, it’s usually his wife.)
If you’re worried you’ll cave …
When you’re tempted to fall back on your urge to please, Dr. Bernstein said, try to anticipate the specific things you’ll get if you stay firm, instead of imagining the other person’s disapproval.
Let’s say you want to ask for a raise but you’re afraid of upsetting your manager, he said. “Very few bosses are like, ‘Oh my God, I was waiting for you to ask!’” Dr. Bernstein said.
So instead of ruminating about your boss’s reaction, he said, zero in on the reward you’re seeking: extra money, a different role, more vacation days. Focusing on the benefits can bolster your motivation to go after what you want, Dr. Bernstein said.
If you’re afraid of getting dropped …
Fear of abandonment often drives people pleasers, Dr. Bernstein said. But sometimes, he added, you can feel even more alone when you’re abandoning your needs to please someone else.
So if people disappear when you stop scrambling to please them, like my poetry-loving, job-averse boyfriend did, “all that means is they weren’t there for you,” Fisher said. “They were there for them.”
Sometimes people-pleasing habits are entrenched because of a family history of abuse, Dr. Cohen said. If this is the case, or if people pleasing is affecting your relationships and well-being but you feel unable to stop, consider working with a therapist, Dr. Cohen said.
They can help you identify patterns, recognize triggers, heal from past abuse or trauma, and support you in setting boundaries, she said.
All relationships require a little give and take, Fisher added, but if getting someone to like you more makes you like yourself less, it’s not worth the price.
“There’s nothing wrong with pleasing people,” Fisher said. “Just make sure you’re one of them.”
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The post How to Set Boundaries (When It Doesn’t Come Naturally) appeared first on New York Times.
