DEAR MISS MANIER: A few years ago, my uncle, who had never met my then-boyfriend, made a series of racist jokes about him. (My boyfriend is part Asian.)
These jokes were made on my blog, which another family member had shared with my uncle without my consent. For example, if I wrote that I was at a party, my uncle would comment, “Be sure to bring egg rolls for Chang!” (My boyfriend is not named Chang and is not Chinese.)
Several years later my father died suddenly. My uncle supported me then, and my boyfriend was cordial to him as a kindness to me. My uncle said he would be honored to give me away at my wedding one day in place of my father, whom he idolized.
I didn’t mention the offer to my boyfriend, as we weren’t thinking of getting married at the time, and he seemed to agree with my uncle. But afterwards we got engaged.
When I mentioned the earlier pranks to my uncle and said I was glad he and my fiance had put it behind him, he completely denied that it ever happened. He seemed to completely forget how cruel he had been years ago. This upset my fiance, and he is now dead set against my uncle even being at our wedding.
How will I tell this to my uncle?
Honestly, I think my uncle was an idiot then and wants to rewrite the story now, because he doesn’t want to believe he could have been so ignorant. An apology would go a long way, but I know he won’t give one.
HAPPY READER: Some things are painful – but not complicated. Miss Manners observes that this is not a political disagreement, nor a misunderstanding, or a private thought not intended for public consumption, or a joke gone wrong.
One could remove the current political situation and the history of racial animus in America without affecting the underlying facts: Your uncle chose, without provocation, to belittle your boyfriend in a quasi-public forum where the insults were seen, as intended, by yourself, your boyfriend and most of your friends and family.
Your boyfriend’s instinct to not escalate had the intended effect of maintaining calm. If that remains the goal, Miss Manners recommends the following solution to you and him, with whom the joint decision rests:
You will tell your uncle that the offending posts unfortunately happened; that both you and your fiance found them incredibly hurtful, but that you both chose—and still choose—never to mention them again; that you are grateful for his support and happy that he has moved on; and that though you would be glad to have him at your wedding, you must decline his offer to act in your father’s place.
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DEAR MISS MANIER: At a restaurant, I placed my credit card on the table to signal that we were ready to pay. My daughter said that was rude and I should wait for the server to bring the bill.
I’ve done this for years and thought I was speeding things up for all of us — especially the server, who might want our table for the next customers. Am I rude?
HAPPY READERS: No – your daughter is too picky, as daughters sometimes are. But you can also simply ask for the check.
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