I go on an annual trip with a group of women I’ve known for 20 years. It’s a special getaway. But one of the women has become increasingly negative: She makes judgmental comments about the rest of us and browses social media during meals. In fairness, her life is very different from ours: She is the only one of us who doesn’t have children or a thriving career. A few years ago, one of us talked to her privately about our impression that she wasn’t having a good time. She expressed surprise, but then confessed that she felt self-conscious about contributing to group conversations. We never exclude her, so that means that someone has to talk to her one on one at the expense of participating in group conversations. And the snarky comments continue. Do we have to keep inviting her?
FRIEND
I sympathize: A malcontent making cutting remarks from the sidelines is a downer. And it was generous for one of you to tell your friend privately how her behavior was landing. Still, it takes 20 years to make a 20-year friendship. So, I wouldn’t exclude her rashly — or without the agreement of the group. And as luck would have it, I have an idea for bringing her into the fold.
If I understand correctly, the group comprises several working mothers with successful careers and this one childless friend. Rather than siloing her off during group activities with a special handler, give her a group hug, instead: Make her the center of attention one night. Ask her how she spends her time. Who are the important people in her life? What brings her joy? She may appreciate your interest.
I get that it’s easier to spend time with people whose lives are like ours: We understand them from the jump. But it can be illuminating to see people who have chosen differently. And if your friend feels self-conscious around you, the group’s sincere interest in her might help her feel more comfortable — which may, in turn, cut down on the snark and your desire to exclude her.
Impersonal Correspondence
I gave my 28-year-old grandson and his new wife $500 as a wedding gift. Yesterday, I received their thank-you note: It was laser printed (and signed), and the wording was generic, with no reference to my actual gift. But the real shocker: The note began with my given name — not the affectionate nickname my grandson has called me his whole life. I can hardly express how disappointed and angry I am that the note was so impersonal. Should I say something, or is this the way things are now?
GRANDMOTHER
In my experience, the breaches in etiquette that upset us most are the ones that were policed when we were children: My mother wouldn’t let us play outdoors, for instance, until all our thank-you notes were written. So, I don’t doubt your strong feelings here. And I agree that we lose something when certain traditions fall away.
But times change. Most young adults I know don’t own notecards or postage stamps or correspond by first-class mail. And it would be a big mistake to let this cultural shift convince you that your grandson is indifferent to you. (Maybe the note began with your given name because his wife wrote it and doesn’t know your nickname?) So, let yourself feel disappointed that thank-you protocols seem to be changing. But I wouldn’t make a fuss about it with your grandson.
Best Wishes (and That’s It) for the Happy Couple
I am active in a professional organization and made a close friend in the group. We have supported each other through many stressful times. She invited me to her daughter’s wedding, but I can’t make it. Normally, I would ask where the couple is registered and send a gift. But my budget is really strained now. My friend is well off, and she doesn’t know my financial situation. I am flattered that she invited me, and I would hate to send a cheap gift. Thoughts?
INVITEE
I think you may be underestimating your close friend — and yourself. She invited you to an important family event. That is more likely a sign of affection for you than a play for a setting of fine china.
I totally understand your self-consciousness about your financial position, but that doesn’t affect your value as a friend. Decline the invitation if you can’t make it and write a warm note to your friend thanking her for including you. Your gift is beside the point: Send what you can afford or nothing at all. The more important thing is to acknowledge her gesture of friendship.
Spared From Tipping on a Technicality?
I live in a condominium with a full-time desk and janitorial staff. The condo includes year-end bonuses for employees in its budget but encourages residents to give holiday tips if they choose. But I am not an owner; I rent my unit. Should I tip?
RENTER
Tips are always voluntary — no matter how customary they are. Here, it doesn’t matter whether you rent or own your apartment. The building staff still helps you every day. Nor does it matter that the condo pays year-end bonuses to employees. If you want to thank the staff and can afford it, tip. If not, don’t. No need to hunt for technical exemptions.
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