Dear Eric: When I hear of a death in the family of someone I know, I send a sympathy card. I appreciated the many cards I received when my husband died, and a kind friend donated to a charity we support.
But when my mother died two years ago after a long incurable illness, I only received a card from a friend, and only a few verbal confirmations where I work.
I have seen thank you emails from other employees for gifts and flowers they received from the company for births and minor illnesses, but I feel hurt and unappreciated that I didn’t even get a sympathy card.
It seems in this workplace we don’t acknowledge death; Are flowers or a small donation to the charity we mentioned in Mom’s obituary, or even just a tangible sympathy card, too much to expect from one’s employer? I have not expressed my disappointment to my management team, but I still feel hurt and am considering quitting. Are my expectations unrealistic?
– Unknown sadness
Dear Sorrow: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and husband. Grief is hard enough to navigate on its own; worse when you feel like no one is watching.
You write that you only received a card from a friend, so I’m curious if your feelings about the lack of validation from your workplace are reinforced by a more amorphous pain about the lack of validation from your friend group.
That is, grief is connected to what is available. Both reliefs can hurt, but walking into the office every day and thinking about what you wish had happened can make you quit. Your expectations are not unrealistic – we are human, even when we are clocked in, and we should be shown empathy and kindness. But instead of quitting, talk about your feelings in grief counseling or a grief support group.
When you’re ready, consider talking to your management team about how the workplace can better support other grieving employees going forward. They can’t fix what they didn’t do for you, but if you have the capacity, you can help change the culture of others.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
