GRANDMA Suzie, 52, has come up with a very novel way to save thousands so she can splash the cash at Christmas…
Stepping aboard the old fashioned ‘Santa Express’ steam train with my two very excitable young grandchildren, I can’t help but beam with delight too.
I look just like any other grandmother spoiling the kids, treating them to an all-expenses paid trip to an old-fashioned Victorian themed Christmas market where they’ll meet Santa and get a gift, and I can sip mulled wine.
At £35 a head – plus all the treats I’ll no doubt be coerced into buying once there – it’s not cheap… But thankfully my clueless family have absolutely no idea how I really manage to afford to splash the cash every Christmas.
In truth I organise sexy swinging parties in order to earn an extra £200 a month, which I then save in a special account separate to my £35k sales wage to put towards festive treats.
So when I disappear from the family home in the Midlands that I share with my two adult sons, aged 29 and 22, for a monthly ‘weekend with the girls’ that’s actually where I am.
And it’s not just the odd festive day trip I can splash out on, all thanks to my secret saucy side hustle.
I’m also able to provide a luxurious Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, and have spent hundreds on Paw Patrol goodies and Hot Wheels for my grandchildren, aged four and two, too.
This year I’ve even bought us all matching Christmas pyjamas from M&S – no one need ever know that I also went straight to Ann Summers afterwards and splurged on some new raunchy underwear for my upcoming Christmas swingers party.
A festive feast – no expense spared
Before I got into the parties money was tight, and I shopped at places like Aldi and Lidl.
At Christmas I often couldn’t even afford a turkey and we’d just have gammon and the cheapest booze I could find.
I’d ask everyone to bring a dish to help out because I simply couldn’t afford to feed everyone without help.
Now, there are 16 of us round the table every year – and when it comes to dinner, I provide everything, no expense spared.
I’ll have spent £80 on a turkey from M&S, £30 on a gammon joint, then there’s beef and a huge cheese platter.
Not to mention I’ll splash at least £200 on booze – providing everything from vintage Prosecco to rum and brandy.
In my early 20s I once got drunk with a group of people in a pub and enjoyed my first foursome – the first time I’d been intimate with a woman.
There will be three puddings – Christmas pudding, trifle and profiteroles.
The crackers alone are from M&S and cost £20 a box – and this year I’ve got two boxes.
In total I’ll spend at least £500 on the day.
And the best bit? As far as my 80-year-old mum knows, I’ve just been working hard to save money from my plain old job in sales since the start of the year to put on the feast.
‘I’ve always had a high sex drive’
I first got into running swinging parties 12 years ago, and I now make hundreds a month charging randy couples to attend.
I’ve also always had a very high sex drive – and get easily bored sexually.
In my early 20s I once got drunk with a group of people in a pub and enjoyed my first foursome – the first time I’d been intimate with a woman.
I’m not sure why I didn’t do it again, as I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It just never happened and I didn’t mix with people who are sexually adventurous like that.
My longest relationship was 14 years, with my 22-year-old son’s father, but even then I had a couple of affairs – one lasting for a year and the other about six months.
I’ve never actually got married – I hate the thought.
When that relationship ended 12 years ago I started dating a police officer who I met online.
He introduced me to a swinging website and took me to my first party, and I haven’t looked back.
Our relationship ended after a few months as I realised I preferred the swinging lifestyle to having a relationship. I love sex but get easily bored with the same partner.
‘No one wants a spare p**ck at an orgy’
Organising the parties started soon afterwards.
I met someone at an event who asked me to help out and it went from there – now I run Real Deal Parties and I have a WhatsApp group for regulars too.
They happen once a month all around the Midlands and Oxfordshire and about 20 people each time come along.
The ticket prices depend on the cost of the venue I hire, usually a luxury two-bedroom apartment through Air BnB.
Sometimes a regular will invite us to their house, like the one who has a gorgeous big home with a huge garden and a hot tub.
For a couple it’s around £35, for single men £40 and single women £20.
I always make sure there’s no more than ten single men per party – so the balance is right – no one wants a spare p**ck at an orgy!
Serving sausage – in more ways than one
We start each event at 7.30 and there’s no entry after 8pm.
I’ll put on a buffet – sausages with a wry smile of course – and non-alcoholic drinks, though guests can bring their own wine, and then we get down to it.
We’ve had some hilarious incidents.
My funniest one was a few years ago when there was a fire in the apartment opposite.
A fireman came to the door and ordered us to evacuate, and 20 of us trooped out, looking sheepish, wrapped in hastily grabbed towels.
Even funnier was the fact that one of the firemen recognised me from my profile on a website called Fab Swingers and we ended up swapping numbers and dating for four years – though not monogamously!
I am fanatical about safety and will literally go round checking everyone is wearing a condom, which I’ve been told is a bit of a passion killer.
Five signs you live nextdoor to a secret swinger
From a gravelled driveway to their fruity knocker, here's some potential signs to look for if you suspect your neighbour might be living a double life...
- White rocks or stones in the driveway – According to Urban Dictionary, if you’re being propositioned by a swinger couple it may be referred to as being “white rocked”. This comes from the urban legend that a house with decorative white rocks in the front garden indicates swingers live there.
- Pampas grass – what was once just a common shrub, adding an exotic feel to front gardens up and down the country, is now considered a sign of swinging by some. It’s led to many avid gardeners too embarrassed to purchase the plant.
- Pineapple knocker – You might think a “wacky” door knocker is just a bit of fun, but if your neighbour has opted for a pineapple design, it could be a very revealing clue about what goes on behind closed doors. According to alternative lifestyle website Bigger Love, they’re a secret symbol that the residents are swingers – especially if they’re upside down.
- Garden gnomes – They may seem sweet and innocent, but quirky gnome statues can also reportedly indicate there may be a singer in the midst.
- Hot tub – They’re an amazing way to relax after a long, hard day at work, but they could also indicate someone is potentially looking for some ‘risque’ fun too.
‘I’ll join in enthusiastically’
In my book, it’s a win/win situation.
Not only do the guests who attend the sex parties pay me to be there, but I’ll join in enthusiastically too.
I earn money, while indulging in my biggest pleasure – sex with multiple partners – men and women, sometimes eight in a night.
And I vet anyone who wants to buy tickets to my parties with one thought in mind – would I like to have sex with them?
Then, after a weekend of debauchery, the other three weekends of the month I’m every inch the dutiful granny.
My grandchildren come and stay with my son, who at 29 moved back into my house after his divorce, and I’ll bake cakes with them and play ‘tea parties’ and do play doh.
I throw myself into all the old-fashioned festive traditions and treasure my collection of Christmas tree ornaments, some of which were my late great grandmothers.
I also do all the cooking, and wear size 16 clothes from Next and Matalan.
Thankfully my boys wouldn’t dream of rummaging in the drawers under my bed however, as that’s where I store my kinky collection of x-rated underwear – everything from stockings and suspenders to PVC corsets.
Enough to make their hair curl!
‘People lead secret lives’
People always make a lot of presumptions when it comes to swinging, but I think it can actually be beneficial for relationships.
Many presume that when men come alone they’re cheating on their wives and to be fair a lot of them are but women do too.
I’d say 60 per cent of the women who come are married and are swinging behind their husbands’ backs.
Some of them even bring a toyboy with them and I don’t see a problem with it – it helps them put up with the mundanity of their marriage.
They come to my parties, get their kick and then go back to being a dutiful wife.
More people than you’d imagine lead secret lives.
As I’m single the only ones I have to worry about finding out are my children but I doubt they’d believe me even if I even confessed what I do.
It’s just a million miles away from the mum they know – pottering around the supermarket and being a granny, making sure the gifts are beautifully wrapped, with coordinating bows.
And when I raise a toast to my family this Christmas and watch them tucking into the spread I’ve laid on, I know I won’t feel one ounce of guilt.
