I love my girlfriend, and I like her family as much as the next person. But visiting for the holidays means sharing her childhood bedroom with some combination of her three siblings and their partners. We are only in our 20s, but aren’t we too old for sleeping in the same bedroom in a row of three twin beds with more than one person per bed? I appreciate the family’s closeness and thrift, but snuggling with my girlfriend when her sister and her boyfriend are an arm’s length away seems like a step too far. The funny part is that my girlfriend’s siblings all have high-paying jobs. Everyone seems to agree that the setup is absurd, but no one wants to upset the matriarch. At what point do I start looking for an Airbnb?
GIRLFRIEND
All families are a little funny, no? And if your girlfriend’s family likes to recreate the closeness of their early years over the holidays, I see no harm in that. For the record: The adult siblings may, indeed, find the accommodations “absurd” — but also relish the physical proximity with their siblings once a year. Both feelings can be true. So be careful about taking too strong a lead here.
Have you spoken to your girlfriend about the sleeping arrangements? If she dislikes them, too, perhaps you can find a compromise: Buy an air mattress for the living room without decamping from the family home. But I would let your girlfriend run point on this one. It’s her family and their holiday tradition.
Of course, if these sleeping arrangements really upset you — which I did not gather from your letter — share your feelings with your girlfriend right away. Unease is not a reasonable price to pay for visiting your partner’s family. At the same time, placating the matriarch is not entirely convincing as an explanation here: Adults don’t share twin beds, in my experience, to make their mothers happy. It may be that what you’re encountering is simply a silly holiday tradition, so think twice before disturbing it.
An Adoring Aunt Eager to Come Off the Sidelines
My brother has two teenage children. I adore them and have a close relationship with them. I used to babysit when they were younger. The problem: Since they stopped needing a sitter four years ago, I rarely see them. The only exception is if I attend one of their sports games, but this offers little opportunity to interact them. When I propose get-togethers with the family, I’m told they are too busy. And for the last two years, they have spent all major holidays with my sister-in-law’s family. This makes me hurt and angry, and conversations with my brother prove fruitless. Should I give up?
SISTER
Thanksgiving and Christmas are only two days of the year. That leaves over 360 of them for you to revive your relationship with your brother’s children. (Don’t get me wrong: I understand that you’re hurt by the family’s holiday choices, but I don’t know what kind of pressure your brother and sister-in-law may be facing on that score.)
If family gatherings are difficult to arrange, why not invite the kids for pizza after one of their games? Or to lunch and a movie some other day? In my experience, teenage relatives are often open to fun activities — until they reach an age when they would rather hang out with their friends instead. At that point, your best option is to wait a few years until you become of interest again.
Postgrad Life Updates, Delivered via DM
I graduated from college recently and started dating a friend I’ve known since freshman year. It’s going well! But there’s a nagging issue: His ex-girlfriend — they broke up a year ago — was also a friend of mine in college. I wouldn’t want her to feel hurt or betrayed by having to learn from social media that her ex and I are together. Do I owe her a note? (Since graduation, she has commented on some of my social media posts, but we haven’t seen each other in person.)
GIRLFRIEND
Well, it’s a pretty big leap from commenting on Instagram stories to sending a note about your relationship with her ex. But your impulse seems kind. There’s certainly no harm in writing to your drifting friend, but it’s not required, either. I’d apply the Golden Rule here: Would you like to receive a note like this? If so, send one.
An Ouroboros of Gratitude
I have been giving my mail carrier homemade cookies at Christmas for as long as I can remember. I text him to let him know when he can pick them up from my stoop. He hasn’t acknowledged the gifts for two years. Is it wrong to expect a simple thank you? I vowed to stop holiday baking if butter gets much more expensive. But should I stop the annual gifts anyway?
RESIDENT
I understand your desire for acknowledgment. Those cookies don’t bake themselves! But unlike many gifts, the cookies are a token to thank your postman for delivering your mail all year. So, while I understand your feelings, do you really think it’s necessary for him to thank you for thanking him? (And if he did, would you then thank him for thanking you for thanking him?)
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